I'm sorry

Forgive my recent obsessing over my health issues. I am sorry if I have brought anyone down or said something wrong and I certainly never wanted anyone to feel as though I thought they didn't care. I will try to keep things light and keep other things to myself. If you truly want to know please feel free to ask.

Just Thinking...

I'm sitting here puttering around looking at various things on the net from scrapbook supplies to different terms I've read in the brain scan report. There's a reason they tell you not to look up medical stuff on the net. It can be some scary shit. But I did it. I've wavered between this is MS to a type of stroke back to MS and back to stroke again. At one point I've even thought it's both. This is the bad thing when you have too much time on your hands. My conclusion? Try to be patient and above all relax. Take some deep breaths and find something else on which to focus. All things I know but putting it into practice is a different thing.

And the scrapbook supplies. Suddenly I'm seeing all sorts of things for mother's day. Afterall, it's just around the corner. And then I think of all I'm dealing with at the moment and I wish mom were here. Just to feel some comfort. So I try to focus on all she dealt with and went through and how she did it with such grace and positive attitude. I can vividly remember her saying she was gonna live till she died.

If she ever felt sorry for herself she never showed it. And I can only recall a handful of times when she uttered that she was scared. And truthfully it was never when she was totally lucid. Only in times of distress. The one that comes to mind was just before the hospitalization that culminated in her deciding to stop chemo. She was really having a hard time breathing because her lungs were so filled with fluid. It took days for her to agree to go to the doctor and by that time I think she may have been a little delirious. It was early on a Wednesday morning and I was to take her in to see her lung doctors. It was the end of February and it was damp, grey and dreary. In the early morning the electricity went out and the house was suddenly very silent--something it hadn't been in some time--because the oxygen concentrator was off. Which also meant her already difficult breathing was growing worse with each minute. The total silence and her call for help is what woke me. It was pitch black and she couldn't breathe so I was fumbling in the dark to get her hooked up to the portable oxygen tank. Thankfully that happened fairly quick but not quick enough to keep her from being frightened. I still remember her asking why it was so dark and that she was scared. Fortunately the lights were only off a few moments but it was long enough. I threw on some clothes, loaded her up and off we went. She was admitted and stayed till that Friday but there several low periods during that stay. She did not want me to leave her side and I seldom did--not even to shower (I was real ripe by Friday). But she got through it, we both did. I wish she were here now.

But I know I will get through this. I just hope I can do it with a fraction of the same grace she had.

I miss you mom....

The Girl Who Cried Wolf...

That's a pretty good description of how I've felt most of the day. It's because I was so worked up and had everyone else worked up about the lumbar puncture that had been scheduled today and subsequently cancelled. Several people had rearranged their schedules to be here for me. And I am so thankful for each of them and their unselfishness to care for me. I guess I'm just not used to relying on anyone and having to do so has been hard for me. Thus feeling as though I cried wolf when individuals rearranged their lives for me. I am forever greatful to each of them.

So now my waiting game for answers truly begins. The good news is the specialist visit is scheduled for next Wednesday. The cardiac monitor on the 9th and the dobbler and echo on the 12th with follow up and hopefully (good) answers and treatment on the 20th if not sooner. The nurse told me yesterday the doctor has opened up her schedule so maybe I can get in sooner if they have test results. It seems so far and yet it doesn't. In the meantime I just continue to try to take it one-day-at-a-time.

SO Frustrating...

Perhaps I overdid it over the weekend because I feel so stiff. Add to that a sore back from compensating while trying to do things. Getting dressed was quite a chore.

Hopefully by this time tomorrow the worst will be over. It will still be a while before I get answers but I think the worst of the testing will be behind me and hopefully that's the worst it will be. And every day I continue to hold out hope things will improve.

And to all my buddies dealing with TAKS--I'll trade ya! Seriously, good luck to you and your kids.

Hummph...

Well looks like this turning into a tale of my medical misadventures. Seems that's about all I have to blog about and pretty much all I can think about. So far today has not been one I care to repeat. Of course when I got up I was almost unbelievably stiff so I've spent the better part of the day trying to loosen up. Perhaps this is a sign that I really did overdo it yesterday. Had a little drama--those of you who got the emails know what I'm talking about. And I'm doing my best to do some cleaning around here. So far I've managed to change sheets on the bed and clean the tub and toilet. Still have to get to the rest of the bathroom and the litter box-yuck. Get all the mail off the dining table and vacuum the floor at least. And I'm taking my sweet time doing it all!

Oh and the speech thing is still with me which not only pisses me off but makes my mind work overtime considering things like stroke. But stroke doesn't move and this did start on the left. Amazing how no matter how I try to throw myself into whatever that my mind keeps wandering back to all the bad stuff. I usually try not to wish for time to pass quickly because I want to enjoy the here and now and get the most out of everything but right now I am wishing for time to pass quickly, for all the tests to be over and for there to be answers and treatments and to finally be back to normal (at least normal for me).

Off to finish chores. I think once I'm done I'll shower and maybe take myself out to dinner and do something to take my mind off it all.

Too much...

I think I may have overdone it today. I am exhausted. I finally got up and going and out about elevenish. Off to Richmond/Rosenberg and Lane Bryant in search of a shirt. Lucky me, everything was 40% off so I picked up a new night shirt as well. Next stop, Target for things like cat litter and kleenex. After that I felt brave and ventured to Missouri City and the Village to pick up my book club kit and found my speech issue was still with me. Traffic was a bit much and there really wasn't much else to keep me on that side of the river so back to Richmond/Rosenberg and Texas Roadhouse for some lunch. The chicken fried steak was wonderful. I decided to head for Kohls but found the new Bath and Body Works was open and the timing was just right as I needed to pick up soap for both the bathroom and kitchen. I did finally make it to Kohls and by the time I got through there I was wiped out so I headed home. After a bit of a rest I ran to Walmart to pick up a few more things and now here I am. There are still a few things in the car that I just couldn't handle with everuthing else and they'll just have to wait till tomorrow. I'll have to take out some trash so I'll retrieve it then.

I had really hoped to get a few things done around here today/tonight but I'm too tired. It's just a little after 9a and the thought of jumping in the shower and then bed holds the most appeal for me. I don't think I could do much of anything at this point. One thing for certain, this is really kicking my tail!

Things that suck...

...my right side not being in harmony with my left
...the ever-present feeling that my right hand is asleep
...my right leg wanting to just give out
...having my words come out slurred making me sound like a drunk or stroke victim (or a drunk stoke victim...)
...having to have a lumbar puncture (spinal tap)
...not being able to get up and down the stairs with whatever with ease
...getting tired just from walking around
...gas prices

Have a laugh...I am.

more adventures later...

When one door closes....

Well last night it appeared as if the tingling and pressure at least in my fingers was subsiding and that made me happy. On top of that, I am feeling a little more steady on my feet and feel I can walk better. Then of course I slept and stiffened up and now my hand is back to the intense pressure and tingling--I hold out hope it will ease up again and possibly disappear. I can still walk a little better...but now my speech is a little off.

Oh, I can talk. And I can find my words with no problem-I just have a hard time saying them at times! SO frustrating. And that has freaked a few people out--call the doctor, call the doctor... Well I still don't have any other classic stroke signs-thankfully. I don't want to be told go to the ER. So I can sit...and wait....and spend more money? I know this could just be another symptom of MS. And it's not every word. And it's only when I try to talk too much--more than a few words. And again, there are no other signs/symptoms. (I know the doc was out today--and I did try to call but couldn't get anyone.) And the chiro didn't sound any alarm over it and honestly, he's one of the first to mention checking for MS.

The lumbar puncture is scheduled for Tuesday. One of the girls at the office has everything lined up for three of them to have everything covered. And apparently both brothers will be here too. Looks like there will be plenty of people to take care of me. Wonder if I can have them wait on me hand and foot??

The latest....for what it's worth...

Still lots of unanswered questions. Here's what I know and don't know. Unfortunately, the brain scan wasn't 'clear'--something did show up. The unanswered question is whether not it is stroke or MS. Other than the diminished mobility on one side I have no classic indicators for stroke and the doc once again emphasized that I do not have the risk factors for stroke (shocking I know). In fact she says despite this I am healthy! The other possibility is MS and I'm at the age where it does present. The only way to rule it out for certain is with a lumbar puncture which I am waiting to be scheduled since it has to be done through the hospital-but as an outpatient. She had also ordered several cardiac test to make sure there are no hidden stroke factors. Those will take place on May 9 and May 12. Unfortunately she will not be able to see me again till May 20 so it looks as though I'll have another month without answers.

As I have stated before, I do not feel bad just more annoyed at the feeling of the right side of my body being asleep. As you can imagine that is beyond annoying as it makes everything an effort which in turn not only frustrates me but is tiring. She made certain to point out that either way it is managable and I got the impression she wouild rather it be stoke because it would be easier on life than MS and might never occur again. But either way it can be dealt with (and that's what I have to cling to).

I've taken today off and am just trying to take it day-by-day. She did offer to send me for physical therapy but since I have no dimished strength and have been using that side of my body I did not see the point as I don't think it will do anything in regard to the current 'symptoms'. Since it initially stated less severe and on my left side I hold out hope that I will bounce back with each day.

Progress??

So far things have been falling in line in a positive way despite my current dilemma and it appears that continues to be the case. I decided to check on the status of the MRI results and was told it has been read but the report is not yet done. However, the doctor's office said they will make certain they have the results by me appointment in the morning. Hopefully this means I will finally get some answers and get some sort of treatment going.

Keep a good thought that it does provide (easily) treatable answers!

Another day of fun....yeah, right....

What more fun way to start the day is there other than a brain scan? Specifically being trapped in a machine for twenty minutes with your head in a cage and told to keep your head still. Thus my comment below about how it sucked and I never want to have to do that again!

Next stop, forty minutes at the doctor's office for a nerve conduction study that took all of about three minutes-if that. I swear it took longer to take off my knee highs and shoes and then put them back on than it did for the test. Oh and that was a barrel of laughs. In case you've never had it done here's what happens. The guy puts an eletrode on one foot or ankle and after a second or two you feel an electric impulse--which on my right foot seemed rather strong. In fact I told him do it again and I'd kick the snot out of him. Now the other foot. Next one hand and finally the other. Somewhat like a doctor checking your reflexes with that little rubber hammer only stronger with electricity. Then he tells me I have carpal tunnel.....DUH, ya think?!?!? Hell, who doesn't these days. Not the initial reason for seeing a neurologist so it makes me think of mom and her comments about doctors ordering test just to split some fees.

Okay that done so I'm off to work. What an adventure that's been since trying to write is damn near an exercise in futility and today so is typing because I keep hitting wrong keys. The perils of one hand being asleep. And my right side really doesn't want to play along today which means even more fun. I just want to scream: ENOUGH ALREADY!! Oh and let's not forget the fun of my right toes wanting to curl up to the point I can't keep my shoe on when I walk. Climbing the stairs to get inside was fun--I lost my shoe about four steps up and had to start over.

I keep hoping the worst is behind me and that things will start to ease. That walking will become easier instead of an increasing challenge. This is another reason I opted to not go to Austin. I hope the MRI results will be negative for anything major and be available to the doctor on Thusday morning (since I got the appointment moved up). I hope by the weekend I'm starting to bounce back to normal for me.

The blessings are that I do have friends who will help me. I do have people that care about me. The copay-at least for the MRI-was managable (the radiologist may be another story).

And on a fun note: I listen to a radio station out of Branson on the net at work. Today during the lunch hour requests I emailed the dj and he played Ozark Mountain Jubilee and sent it out special to me in Texas.

Done

Survived the MRI. But I HOPE I never have to do that shit again! That SUCKED.

Oh and surprise, surprise....I have carpal tunnel. Who doesn't these days?.......

Damnit, damnit, damnit...

I am still agonizing over decreased muscle control. The tightness in my back has eased some but my overall muscle control still sucks. And if I try to do too much the tightness increases. I'm sure a part of that is anxiety over the entire situation.

I have that damn MRI in the morning and I am not looking forward to it since I am somewhat clausterphobic. And to add insult to injury I can't wear my ipod. At least the copay on it is much less than I inticipated so that actually alleviates some of the stress. After that it's the nerve test to find out what's going on with my hands. None of the follow up visits are scheduled until next week. I however have decided that is unacceptable and will be pushing to get it changed to this week....like just as soon as the results from the MRI are available. I need answers sooner rather than later and need to get something going this week because I do not want to have to spend another weekend useless if at all avoidable.

On top of all that, I've decided to stay home instead of going to Austin tomorrow as planned. It would be different if I were functioning better but given my current state I think it's best for all if I stay home.

So send up a few prayers that it's something minor that can be found and dealt with quickly and easily.

If only....

The tightness in my back seems to have migrated to the point where it is across my shoulders--which is good and bad. Good because at least my mid-section no longer feels as though it's being squeezed which means a bit less discomfort. Bad because I am right-handed and it seems to really be hitting my right arm (moreso than the left which is feeling the impact as well) and thus my hand. But I press on. I will not let this get the better of me. I am determined to do something today. Laundry, pick up around here, vacuum, clean the litter box (yuck). I know it may take a while and definitely effort but I sat around enough yesterday. The only way I see to beat this thing right now is to be active. And just one more time I have taken a muscle relaxer in hopes it will help. So, wish me luck!!

Useless...

I don't think I've ever felt so utter and totally useless as I currently do. I have a ton of things I need to get done around here but just can't make any progress. Granted I've not even tried to do much more than sit on the couch or nap today. Just walking is an effort as it feels as though my entire body-but especially my right side-is in a vise. Even sitting is a chore at times. I did manage to dress and go get something to eat but even that took quite a bit of effort. I keep hoping and praying that the tight feeling will ease up...

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...

No answers, no change. And where I've had days where I wanted to stay home and do nothing I'm suddenly feeling stir crazy and wanting to get out...except the thought of having to go up and down the stairs and not being sure about driving too far.....thus grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

Still No Answers....

So I dragged myself out of bed and to the office today and it was quite an effort. But I did it. I wasn't there long when I made the decision about seeing a neurologist so I called about that. Naturally they couldn't see me till next week but I got them to agree to work me in. I was told it could take up the two hours but thankfully it didn't.

The neurologist is a woman who seems very nice and was patient and took time to really listen. After a few questions I went through the whole battery of in office tests (again) to check for stroke----and she even seemed a bit surprised they turned out positive. She looked at my blood work and told me I'm healthy, only in my 40s with no risk factors so it shouldn't be stroke but the only way to rule it out for certain is with a brain scan. Thus, she's ordered a brain scan to rule out stroke, tumor and MS. And I'm freaking out cause the soonest it can be done is Tuesday. She's also ordered a nerve test on my hands. So now I wait and pray that there is some break in all the things I've been experiencing.

I had an eye appointment scheduled for today so I kept it and Keith (the doc) was glad I did. He was genuienly concerned about finding something when he looked in my eyes after I told him my dilemma. I think he was relieved as I was--maybe more--that he didn't see anything. Granted it's only good at that moment in time but still considering I was experiencing all the symptoms when I was with him and my eyes were clear has to be a good sign. I'm really touched that he does care...he even hugged me before I left. And of course as I knew, my prescription has changed but he wants me to wait till after the brain scan before I get new glasses--makes sense to me.

So that's my week thus far....too many doctors, too many copays, too many symptoms, too much worry, too little answers....

Things that make me smile....