34 Years...

7/25/25-8/22/77

Dad's been gone 34 years today.....a lifetime ago.....I've lived longer without him than I did with him. I was daddy's girl and I still miss him.

I can still remember waking the morning of August 23. Something wasn't right. From my bedroom I could see into the living room. I could see the light was on--which was unusual for that time of morning. I could also see things that had been in daddy's hospital room. Confused I walked into the living room and then the kitchen where mom was getting a cup of coffee. I didn't expect her to be there as she'd been gone for days--staying at the hospital with daddy. I was happy to see her....and then I remember the words......we lost daddy last night. She hugged me and I just said okay, that I'd better get ready for school (it was only the second day of the my 5th grade year). I remember a bit later sitting in the kitchen floor at her feet, mom fixing my hair while talking to her cousin who had come by. She said I didn't have to go to school but I wanted to. I don't think I really understood what was going on.

Later in the morning at school I was sharpening a pencil and the teacher was asking who was on free lunch (something no one would dare ask out loud this day in age). I raised my hand because at the time I thought I was---in light of daddy being in the hospital a neigbor had arranged for me to have a lunch card so as far as I knew I was on the free lunch program (in hindsight for all I know the neighbor could have purchased it knowing our situation). Someone comment that I was not and could not be on free lunch and I just blurted out 'My daddy died last night'. I remember the teacher being shocked and I just kept right on with what I was doing as though I'd just casually mentioned the color of my socks or what day it was.

At lunch everything fell apart and I unraveled....all over some stupid ice cream. Even though I had a lunch card mom had managed to give me enough pocket change for a treat--to get sone ice cream with my lunch. The lunch lady seeing my lunch card took away the ice cream telling I could not have it because I was on 'free lunch'. She would not listen to me telling her I had money for the ice cream and even though I had it out for her she just kept saying I couldn't have it. I don't recall much after that but I know I went into full meltdown and someone put their are around me and took me to the nurse's office.

My brother picked me up and took me home. From there I just remember lots of people in and out and then trying to get on with life. I remember momma 'fighting' with the hospital because they couldn't locate daddy's wedding ring. I don't recall how long it took, but it was located and returned. I don't recall the timing but there was a memorial service for daddy

I didn't step foot in Hermann Hospital again untill 2008. I remember when the neurologist's nurse told me I'd be admitted to Hermann for the tests that ultimately resulted in my MS diagnosis; I immediately begain to cry uncontrollably.

It's 34 years later and I miss you daddy. I hope you are proud of the person I have become. I'm certain you would like my honey--I imagine you would be fishing and hunting together. He's taking care of daddy's girl.