It's been 30 years...

It was 30 years ago today that my daddy died. I was only 10. He had lung cancer and spent his last days in Hermann Hospital. As I recall there wasn't a great deal known about the type of cancer he had so my guess is his treatment was probably experimental (I don't know this for sure, just speculation on what little I do know/recall and my experiences and knowledge since). I do recall a steel shield beside his bed because of the radiation he was receiving. It was the hospital's way of 'protecting' those who might go to see him. I remember not being able to go around the shield though I do recall reaching across to touch him....and him calling me by name (ok, my nickname, but just the same he knew who I was). That was actually a few days before he died.

He died on a Monday. I hadn't seen him since the Friday or Saturday before basically because I didn't go to the hospital. I was staying with a neighbor and was pretty much allowed to make my own decision about going to the hospital (that was no fun for me and daddy was always sleeping). Thinking back and knowing the neighbor I wouldn't be surprised if she had played a part in my not going. Not that my mother would really listen to her (or anyone) all that much. I was just a kid--what did I know. In retrospect, I wish I had gone. If only.....

I remember waking the morning after (8/23) and looking into the living room and seeing the light on and things that had been at the hospital. And for some reason it seemed odd and yet it didn't. I walked in the living room as mom was going to the kitchen for another cup of coffee and I asked about her being home (because she had been staying at the hospital) and she just looked at me and said 'we lost daddy last night'. I don't know that I was all that stunned. Mom had done what she could to 'prepare' us prior to but even then I don't think I truly understood it all. I vaugely remember her hugging me and then I went to my room to get ready for school (yep, I went to school because it was only the second day that year.) I know I was told I could stay home but I didn't really see any reason to....I remember sitting on the floor in the kitchen with momma fixing my hair while she talked to my cousin (her nephew who was a Houston police officer at the time). I know I went to school--not sure if I walked that day or if the neighbor took me.

I also remember things going 'terribly' wrong at lunch. The neighbor had arranged for me to get free lunch because there was no money coming in at the time and something happened that the cafeteria lady wanted to argue that I wasn't eligible. So there I was trying to get my lunch with no money and trying to resolve the issue. I'm not sure just what finally transpired or if I even got lunch but I was taken or sent to the nurse's office and then I was home (not sure if my brother picked me up or the neighbor). I think that may have been the time when I finally cried. I'm pretty sure it was a few days before I returned to school. And I remained on free lunch for a (very) short while--I remember momma telling me she'd get me off of it just as soon as she could---and she did.